Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row,
totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his willie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she
danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a State of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the
line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Timmy.
Poor Timmy. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Totally embarrassed, Timmy quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up... .......then all the other bells started to ring.
Jokes Or Funny Stories
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ZacBrownBand
- Varsity
- Posts: 567
- Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2012 3:54 pm
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates
of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a
long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside. After
a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82.
I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a
long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside. After
a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82.
I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
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footballfanatic1
- All Conference
- Posts: 745
- Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:31 pm
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BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Sex And Good Grammar:
For all my grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next
full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him
in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,
and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end
our sentences with a preposition, because we
could end up with a dangling participle.
For all my grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next
full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him
in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,
and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end
our sentences with a preposition, because we
could end up with a dangling participle.
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BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming,
universal health care , or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when
you don't know sh!t?"
(obviously, a Democratic member of Congress!)
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming,
universal health care , or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when
you don't know sh!t?"
(obviously, a Democratic member of Congress!)
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ZacBrownBand
- Varsity
- Posts: 567
- Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2012 3:54 pm
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said - "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said - "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.
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ZacBrownBand
- Varsity
- Posts: 567
- Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2012 3:54 pm
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you
for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back-seat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals
your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the
15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again
this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you
for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back-seat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals
your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the
15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again
this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.
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ZacBrownBand
- Varsity
- Posts: 567
- Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2012 3:54 pm
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many can you afford?
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Tiger Lady
- SE
- Posts: 2219
- Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:30 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"
Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the government's strategy of giving you something sh!!ty for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth."
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"
Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the government's strategy of giving you something sh!!ty for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth."
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Charley Hustle
- SEOP
- Posts: 4383
- Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:03 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Fair Wages
The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck dairy farmer was not paying proper wages to his help, and sent an agent out to investigate him.
Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
Department of Labor employee: That's the guy I want to talk to... the mentally challenged one.
Farmer: That would be me.
The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck dairy farmer was not paying proper wages to his help, and sent an agent out to investigate him.
Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
Department of Labor employee: That's the guy I want to talk to... the mentally challenged one.
Farmer: That would be me.
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Charley Hustle
- SEOP
- Posts: 4383
- Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:03 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
From a friend. If you can't afford a doctor, go to the airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a free breast exam and if you mention Al-Queda, you'll get a free colonoscopy
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BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Women are like angels.......................when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly ......... on a broomstick..... We are flexible....
We simply continue to fly ......... on a broomstick..... We are flexible....
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Tiger Lady
- SE
- Posts: 2219
- Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:30 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
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Tiger Lady
- SE
- Posts: 2219
- Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:30 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
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BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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ZacBrownBand
- Varsity
- Posts: 567
- Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2012 3:54 pm
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Native Americans make the most successful "exotic dancers"
Because when they dance, they make it rain
Because when they dance, they make it rain
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Tiger Lady
- SE
- Posts: 2219
- Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:30 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
examining room,
Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very Professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
'You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came.'
examining room,
Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very Professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
'You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came.'
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BigOrangeOne
- S
- Posts: 1580
- Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2004 9:17 pm
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
He and other knights and counts, viscounts, and discounts were seen sitting around a square table shooting camel turds....... bullsh!t was unheard of in those days.TigerTownTurkey wrote:The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.