Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico .

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that theydeclared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -


Sinko De Mayo.

I don't know how true it is about mayonaise and the Mexicans but one day at the Wagonwheel Flea Market they were
selling boiled and grilled corn on the cob and the Mexicans were dipping theirs in mayonaise instead of butter or oleo.

[BubbleGumTiger]

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

[noreply66]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico .

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that theydeclared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -




Sinko De Mayo.

I don't know how true it is about mayonaise and the Mexicans but one day at the Wagonwheel Flea Market they were
selling boiled and grilled corn on the cob and the Mexicans were dipping theirs in mayonaise instead of butter or oleo.

now this is good--lol

[Charley Hustle]

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's a$$ all the way to Egypt ..."

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

[BubbleGumTiger]

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering When you are not.

[Burg_Grad_77]

bump

[BubbleGumTiger]

So why did the British wear red coats in battle?





A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland way, the officer informed the general that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

[BubbleGumTiger]





68 and Pregnant

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant..

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What the heck's wrong with you?" He demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren , and you told her she was pregnant???!!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:-------
"Does she still have the hiccups?”

[BubbleGumTiger]

Medical warning .. . loss of appetite . . .

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of
toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy
rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken ..

He declines again . . . . . 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . . .
I'm still not hungry.' . . . . .

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

[Tiger Lady]

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory

[BubbleGumTiger]

Proof that you can never underestimate the creativeness of American boys (for mischief, anyway). Considering all the brilliant and devious minds I ran around with in high school, I don't know how we missed thinking this one up.



At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a prank. They let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted the numbers 1, 2 and 4 on the sides of the goats.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan . He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

[BigOrangeOne]

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

Or one-teen.....

[BubbleGumTiger]

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

[noreply66]

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

Or one-teen.....

some young kids say----eleventy-teen

[BigOrangeOne]

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

Or one-teen.....

some young kids say----eleventy-teen

LOL I must be in my second childhood because that was my first thought but then I thought that most of the rest of the teens just have the number, then "teen". FOURteen, SIXteen, SEVENteen, EIGHTeen, NINEteen...... I don't know what happened with the "FIFTH" you'll have to ask ole Turk about that.