Jokes Or Funny Stories

Post by **noreply66** » Sat Aug 06, 2011 12:48 pm

Mom can I have the Oz Cart tonight
Yes Jesus--but be home by 10 because the Ox have to work in the morning

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:48 pm

Scotch with two Drops of Water...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Thu Aug 11, 2011 7:47 am

THE MAN WHO GAVE UP SEX FOR GOLF...
I'm sure this story will have a profound meaning for you golfers...

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the
golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure,"
and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like
to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,
"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side
and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because
you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you
will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Fri Aug 12, 2011 3:58 am

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Fri Aug 12, 2011 7:09 am

Dad buys a lie detector Robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to try it out at dinner!"OK,Son where were you today?" The son says"at school Dad." Robot slaps the son! " OK I watched a dvd at a friends house!""What dvd" Dad asks! "Toy Story" replied the son! Robot slaps son again! " OK. it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was." Says the Dad! Robot slaps the Dad! Mom laughs Ha Ha Ha ! "He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom........

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Sun Aug 14, 2011 7:40 am

As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

BigOrangeOne · Post by **BigOrangeOne** » Sun Aug 14, 2011 9:24 am

TigerTownTurkey wrote:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

I hear they get more forgetful, too.

================================

TigerTownTurkey

Post subject: Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories

Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2011 5:36 am
SEOP LEGEN

Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 7:47 am
Posts: 105113
Location: Working afternoon turn at the Brewery......

As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Sun Aug 14, 2011 9:46 am

BigOrangeOne wrote:
TigerTownTurkey wrote:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

I hear they get more forgetful, too.

================================

Thanks..........I'll remember that as I approach your age............

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Mon Aug 15, 2011 7:38 am

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Tue Aug 16, 2011 7:27 am

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Tue Aug 16, 2011 10:35 pm

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Wed Aug 17, 2011 4:51 am

Subject: Fw: Fun words--short and to the point

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for groups of animals.

There is a Pride of lions,

a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
a School of fish,
an Exaltation of doves,
and presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider the baboon. The loudest, most dangerous and viciously aggressive of all primates. What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

a Congress.

So, next time you hear the news out of Washington, DCâ€¦.

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:21 pm

Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Sat Aug 20, 2011 6:26 am

I met a fairy today, and she said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its azz!"

"You crafty little bistird," said the fairy.

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Sun Aug 21, 2011 6:16 am

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:53 am

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft..

Today, it's called golf.

Runner · Post by **Runner** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 11:25 pm

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For crying out loud! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 8:42 am

I never knew this!
Truly one learns something each day!

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load - but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures: Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

"Lo," Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others!" And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything(GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began.

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Wed Aug 24, 2011 6:50 am

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a waterpark.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

BubbleGumTiger · Post by **BubbleGumTiger** » Wed Aug 24, 2011 8:35 pm

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."